Review of Annie (2014) by Sanicsaiyan — 18 Dec 2015

Well, how about that. They went and made another Annie movie. Honestly, I'm not surprised: I mean, EVERYBODY wanted to see this happen, right? Children shred tears, there were riots in the streets and entire wars erupted, all because there was not a remake of that musical about the bland red-haired girl you kind of remember a tiny bit. Well, thanks to the lovely, amazing people at Sony Pictures, the world is at peace once more. Thank you ever so much, Sony. Where would we be as a society without you?

All jokes aside, though, this movie is really just overwhelmingly, tremendously EH. I can't really pinpoint anything genuinely good, but there's nothing that I really despised. The soundtrack, despite mostly composing of classic songs from the original musical which sound like they were fed into a computer and crapped out as a mess of autotune and digital instruments, is tolerable as a whole. The acting is, once again, EH. Many talented actors are involved in this thing, such as Jamie Foxx and Rose Byrne, but none of them really seem to be giving their all. But I really can't blame them honestly, considering that the script is rather rubbish. Speaking of which, the story is basically the same as the 1970's movie, with the main difference being that it was updated to be more KOOL TO DA KIDS HOMEBOY. So now Mr Stacks (this film's replacement for Daddy Warbucks.)runs a mobile phone company, the castle/mansion amalgamation he lives in has been transformed into some super-penthouse, and Annie is no longer the nice-but-bland cardboard cutout we know and love, with the filmmakers instead opting to make her a sassy, smart, even more bland young twit, who is no longer a cardboard cutout, but instead a perfectly balanced sandwich of wood, Styrofoam and tofu. And dear God, Cameron Diaz. Where to begin on Cameron Diaz? Remember that quite charming, funny depiction of Miss Hannigan from the original? Remember how she was a massive douche, but nonetheless an entertaining douche? Well, crap all over anything you liked about her, and you've got this film's Miss Hannigan. She's essentially that grumpy, middle aged woman you see in stuff like Disney Channel sitcoms. You know, the one who spends the whole movie complaining "BAWWWWWW IMMA SO LONELY AND I USED TO BE FAMUS"? Yeah. Also, as for her singing, you don't need to actually listen to it. Just impale and strangle a cat, and you'll have the same basic experience. Anyway, as for the overall verdict, as mentioned earlier, the whole experience is simply EH. Even though I found this film thoroughly forgettable, there was nothing in there that legitimately offended me (except maybe the aforementioned singing....) If you're a child, or a parent who kind of remembers a few lyrics of the songs a little bit, it'll probably make for a decent watch. But as for arrogant, misanthropic sods like myself, you can give this a pass.