Review of Aliens in the Attic (2009) by Michael H — 04 Mar 2012

Ok, we are going to play a game. I want you to see if this is title Sounds good. "Alens in the Attic." You think this would be a homage to the 50's alien films right? RIGHT!? YOUR DAMN WRONG! Nothing about this is good. It isn't even a homage. ITS A INSULT! Ok, just by looking at the first minutes of this film everything is wrong. These things land on earth, then it cuts to this kid hacking onto his grades to get all A's. Even though his parents see his report card first and his grades are mostly d's and c's. He must be very bad at acting. Ok, this is going to be very important later on so listen up. The dad takes the family on vaction and says no electronics nothing, just family time. Oh, so I guess, phones,television,paintball guns,lies about video games,nintendo ds's, wii, xbox/halo references don't count as electronics. Unlikeable as fuck characters such as Katie's grown sister who IS A TOTAL DAMN BITCH! OH, IM TRYING TO MAKE MR PELI HAPPY WITH BITCHING HAHAHA, the dad who is totally a dumbass, the aliens who look like vomit, the kids are shit and are stupid and unfunny. Except for Ricky who gets one or two chuckles throughout the full film. Characters are just also stupid as shit! One scene is like this with the aliens.

Alien 1: Thanks For Saving Me. Alien 2: I HATE YOU!!!

Also, The Main Character who fails his grades says to his farther he did it on purpose because he was tired of being a brainiac and wants to be cool. What does his farther say? Don't touch the thermastat. WOW. Just, thats very bad.

Thats not even counting the conversations that last 10 seconds and were not put into any effort. There is one scene where they get a alien control device and get Ricky to get into a arguement with his... sister. Then 1 second later, they make up. QUICKEST DAMN MAKE UP EVER! The logic makes no sense. One scene involves Carter hits Ricky with a paintball gun when his sister is there. She comes over to Carter and you would expect him to hit her. BUT NO! HE PRONES THERE AND PRONES THERE AND SHE TAKES IT AWAY! Ok, at least shoot him in the head why dont you but JESUS! THIS MAKES NO GOD DAMN SENSE! Plus, There is this joke where Ricky is controlled and is forced to get the parents out of the house. He lies about having allergies. At the end of his sentence, he wants them to get him adult diapers and then the parents are like "He has very bad allergies." SAYING THE WEIRDEST SHIT IS NOT ALLERGIES! WHEN WILL THE WRITERS LEARN! The visuals are just plain awful. I mean, they went to scrap the barrell to find the most unoriginal cliche aliens of all time.I mean wow. This is the vomit of Monsters Vs Aliens mutated by Dr. Insano. The visuals are so bad, they are simple and cheap. The writing is abysmal. I mean, kids or adults didn't write this. ALIENS DID. IT WAS ON A METEOR WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN IT LANDED AND WASN'T FOUND FOR 100 Thousand more years. Then someone found it and made it into a movie. The movie is incredibly unfunny but like I said before Ricky does get a few chuckles like the arguement scene with the car. The actors are poor and not well casted. The only stars recognizable are Andy Ritcher who is just pointless in this film and Josh Peck who plays a innocent alien who is just borring. The movie has the most unscariest jump scares trying to scare little kiddies who will dispise how bad this film is. This is another film that takes forever to finish. This film is at least 1h 36m and I am watching it on YTV. There is actually a big ammount of mild violence in this film. Like paintbull guns, potatoe guns, fire extinguishers are used as melee weapons. Its a PG rated movie also and there is actually some swearing like the word "Dick." in one scene. You might not hear it but trust me its hearable. The policeman is one of the only ones who are smart and point out unimportant things. Like the license plate on uncle Nathan's car is not there. Yeah! I never knew that. I should pay more attention even though this movie is shitty. The aliens have a weak explanation of invading the planet. I don't really know why, its something like explode the world or something I don't know I wasn't really paying that much attention. The parents suck. They are so friggn stupid. Ashley Tisdale is a complete and utter bitchy moaning dick. The nanna is just... GARBAGE. She gets into a kung fu fight and then all of a sudden her back is better? Shes old, so wouldn't that break her back? Same for Ricky, when he got mind controlled he broke his back. This doesn't make any sense because he should have been dead by this instant. You also know what doesn't make sense? How do the parents when they send everyone to their room not know that they sneak out and not hear the noisey racket in the basement. How come the aliens shrink and grow without any reason? How does one of the aliens know how to play music when he is from another planet? Did they have very special classes? Well that wouldn't make much sense like this movie does as he never heard "Music." before. GOD DAMMIT! Movies must make sense in order for people to follow it easily and like it. Even a film like Death Race 2000 makes sense even if it barely has a plot unlike Death Race (2008). But Aliens in the Attic says: "HELL NO, Vomit Like Aliens and Mind Controling makes as much sense as thinking that this movie would make millions of dollars." Oh by the way, The police man who is the only one there because the other police have a lame excuse doesn't mind Uncle Nate using illegal pyrotechnics. OK YOU COULD GET FIRED FOR THAT YOU KNOW! THATS NOT VERY SMART DAMMIT!" There is lots of product placement in this film. Like the Atari Grand Prix T-Shirt, the Nintendo DS, Halo, Gameboy and XBOX references. Jesus! What are you trying to cash in on? MAKE UP YOURR DAMN MIND! Mac and Me Cashed in on two things, Mcdonalds and Reeses Pieces. This is just all over the place. The ending sucks and makes no sense. If that innocent alien has a family and goes back to them, wouldn't they actually be pissed off at him for lying to everyone of his species? Its either Area 51 or Mars. CHOOSE!!! So its unoriginal, not funny, annoying as PA, no logic, terrible story and acting, abysmal writing and visuals and offensive to its genre. I blabbered on enough. This is just as bad as Paranomal Activity. Only Difference? I didn't cry while watching this. So Thats it. Stay AWAY FROM THIS FILM OR ALIENS WILL INVADE OUR PLANET.

27/100 D.