Review of Alexander (2004) by K-Lub — 07 May 2011

Dear oh dear oh dear.....What have they done? Can Oliver Stone not make a 90 minute movie? You would expect any tale of Alexander The Great to pack a few punches and have some fairly spectacular action pieces but this film seems to be preoccupied with mosaic maps of the ancient world, CGI eagles and dusty plains filled with extras banging on their shields.

There is so much that is wrong with this film it is difficult to know where to begin. Poor Tim Piggott-Smith as the soothsayer, looks bewildered as he rummages around in the entrails of a cow, Anthony Hopkins is simply dreadful, embarrassingly so. Angelina Jolie is acted off the screen by her asp and what the make-up department were thinking of sticking a pingpong ball over Val Kilmer's eye is beyond me. Mind, they also put an old mop head on Colin Farrell's head. At least, however, this laughable coiffure does distract the viewer from the simply leaden performance of this awful man. He manages to light up the screen like a black hole and suck every molecule of charisma and energy out of one of the ancient world's most luminous figures. The man can't act, please Hollywood, wake up to the fact.

There are some major scripting problems too with some unintentionally laugh out loud moments, not helped by the vast array of accents that deliver them, sometimes from the same character. The score by Vangelis (and I am a huge fan of his work) is intrusive and at times inappropriate and in places, the sets look like they were made out of old cornflake packets.

Alexander lived for a mere 30 years, and watching this film, I aged 60. His story needs more passion, more flair and more imagination than this movie provides. It is a bitterly disappointing three hours of tedium.