Review of Alexander (1996) by Nick R — 17 Jan 2010

Quick synopsis:

Father and son are happy. Father killed (don't worry, it's in history books). Alexander's gay lover says "It's okay pookie. We have each other...Well, and your mom. Then, possibly incestuous (albeit attractive) mother convinces young Alex that he needs to expand Macedonia. Alexander takes off on quest. Brings boy toy with him. They conquer empire after kingdom after village with tons of awkward bro moments (think Mugatu and his assistant staring at each other on and off for 3 hours). Finally, there is a break. Alexander comes to...we don't know because everyone at this place is Persian, Arabic and the whole gamut of eastern ethnicities. Enter: scantly clad Rosario Dawson for five minutes of straight, primal relations. Girls watching this movie that are enthralled with Farrell squeal with delight (you'll see). Uptight heterosexuals watching the movie at this point will breathe a brief sigh of relief (you'll see). Jared Leto gets cranky and jealous. He pouts. Collin has to balance his bisexual polyamorous relationship. His love life falls apart. The empire falls apart. Dawson leaves. Men cry in the theater and on screen. More boy drama. The movie ends in some horribly contrived bronze age Gatorade commercial as colors, saturation, and gamma are run over by war elephants.

Theendyouwillprobablywantyourmoneyback.