Review of Absolon (2003) by Hokulani K — 23 Feb 2008
What the hell did I just watch? What the hell was that? I would look it up on Wikipedia, but it doesn't have a page. At one point, about halfway through, I got up and looked at myself in the mirror, and honestly asked myself what the hell I was doing. I don't know why I went back to finish the movie. I don't know alot of things anymore:
I don't know why Lambert still bothers. I really don't. I certainly wouldn't spend four months of my life on a project that was introduced to me with the words "Okay, in the year 2017...". I would just stop them there and walk out of the room. There aren't any good films that start off with "In the year 2017." It's a prime number for god's sake! Nothing good has ever happened in a prime number year!
I had trouble focusing on the plot, due mostly to my being distracted by Lambert's hideous, mangy rat's nest he calls "hair". I guess future-barbers were all killed by the virus. THE VIRUS! That's it! That's what the movie was about. There was a huge virus that killed "5 billion people" and now everyone has to take Absolon every day to stay alive. Yep, 5 billion people, or 5/6ths of the world's population. Fortunately this doesn't affect large-scale industries like powering a city and a fully-functioning sewer and gasoline-refining system.
Anyhow, Lambert plods around, bumbling from scene to scene looking like your high school health teacher but with a big furry mushroom where his hair is supposed to be. The director shows two different shower scenes, and instead of the subject being the incredibly hot Kelly Brook, it's the unhealthy looking C-Lamb. The aformentioned shower scenes, as well as the one pitiful "sex scene", are thankfully very short, showing only Lambert's shoulders at best. He's just not cut out to take his shirt off.
I have to give credit where credit is due, Ron Perlman (of Hellboy fame) gives a brilliant performance as the head of some kind of pharmaceutical / government corporation that runs the world. Boring part, predictable dialogue, but Perlman really drives it home. He doesn't just call it in like the awkward and unengaging Lambert.
Oh yeah, and when Lambert is making out with the hot co-star, his nose nearly knocks her unconscious. It's almost, but not quite, worth watching the movie just to see it.
High point: Kelly Brook's amazing rack.
Low point: Lambert's sweatshirt with "Police" thumbtacked on.
This review of Absolon (2003) was written by Hokulani K on 23 Feb 2008.
Absolon has generally received negative reviews.
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