Review of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012) by Julian T — 29 Aug 2014

One of the most misguided and utterly empty headed films in recent memory... This had a chance to be a pretty amusing tongue in cheek style black comedy. Instead, we get the absolutely ludicrous and borderline mentally challenged plot of the great emancipator fighting vampires directed with the seriousness of Shakespeare. Talk about an intensely stupid and misdirected waste of two hours.

As I said, the only value a story as dumb as this one offers is in a satirical and tongue-in-cheek manor, and even then it's probably going to be really pointless. For some reason, Bekmambetov and talentless walking punchline Tim Burton decide to channel the tone of Oedipus Rex. It is truly remarkable how far off the mark this is. It is teetering on the edge of pure madness.

In addition to the horribly misguided tone, everything else about it is bad too. If you are in fact trying to make a seriously themed film, you would think you would try to take the film seriously, but no. The absurd terribleness that should have been present in the tone wasn't absent; simply reassigned to the actual production. The acting, script, score, pacing, and seemingly everything else is just awful.

Reviewing it, I'm trying to figure out why I rated it as high as two stars, and I'm having some difficulty coming up with any good reason. The special effects are kind of cool, if you like long pointless drawn out slow-mo, but even then they are redundant, over the top and (again) just plain stupid. I remember hearing Bekmambetov rave about the effects, saying that 'the action will be "The Matrix" for a new generation". Pardon me, but you need to get off your own dick dude. This couldn't carry 'The Matrix's used jockstrap in a bag with two handles.

Another thing that bothers me about the whole affair is that when this disaster inevitably bombed at the box office, Burton and Bekmambetov had the nerve to suggest that it didn't make money because it had been swallowed up in the other record breaking releases of the summer such as 'The Avengers', 'The Dark Knight Rises' and 'The Amazing Spider-man'. Not only can these amateurs not make a competent film, but they can't even admit that they failed. Pathetic in my opinion.

Just do yourself a big favor and avoid this. I know it sounds novel and fun, but it isn't. It isn't anything but a horrible mess that shouldn't have even received a direct to DVD release.