Review of A Cure for Wellness (2017) by Wes I — 16 Jun 2017

A young executive on the rise is caught in a compromising situation by his ruthless Executive Board superiors, the ones he longs to join. They task him with going to a Swiss spa to retrieve their C.E.O. who apparently decided basking in the waters there was more important than business at hand.

Dane DeHaan plays the young executive, and although Dane is an actor I've enjoyed in productions like "Chronicle" or "The Place Beyond the Pines" in the past, here he is quite unbelievable in the role given him. It doesn't help that, like the rest of the cast, he is saddled with hokey, stilted dialogue, and a sinister "mystery" that you'll unravel long before this plodding film concludes.

I give this two stars for the upscale production values, and for some genuinely creepy effects (most involving hallucinations and torture, unfortunately.).

However, none of that make up the way too-long length of this flat suspense story, which lacks much in suspense. Endless scenes of flashbacks, swimming eels, weird things in jars, numbed patients, patients doing odd things, patients just sitting there, blood-letting, and one cow vivisection won't detract your desire to wonder just when this silliness will end, since the denouement is already apparent to you (no joking...it all ends as expected, perhaps w/ one last gruesome scene of an unmasking, if you will...although that, too should be expected based on the clues so obviously given earlier in the film.).

The final act takes much too long to arrive, and when it does, it's more laughable and ludicrous than any other emotion. I'd like to say I've never seen a character tossed about as often as DeHaan's here, crashing and landing on his back, being involved in a terrible accident, being attacked, etc. and yet still able to move nimbly about, sans any noticeable marks (save for a cast on his leg, which may or may not have been necessary.).

It all adds up to "not much." Mia Goth plays her part well, but you won't be surprised as to her true identity when its revealed. Jason Isaacs is in good form, but his "Dr. Volmer" character's interests also won't be difficult to solve, nor as well his actual identity. and what his spooky-goings-on spa is all about. If this all sounds somewhat intriguing, trust me...it doesn't play out this way while watching. Your basic "the secret to longevity, as figured out by a Bad Guy" film, done w/o any tension, a script with any memorable lines, but certainly a fair-share of pointless scenes that only pad the running time.

Perhaps worth one watch for the curious, but I seriously doubt repeat viewings will be entertaining ones. In my opinion...no, don't drink the waters.