Review of 6 Underground (2019) by Cujomatty — 28 Dec 2019

I have to start with this. I don’t hate Michael Bay movies. I’m in my mid forties and have enjoyed many of them. The Rock, Armageddon, Bad Boys.......awesome. I didn’t even mind Pearl Harbour. I also am a big fan of action films, over the top violence and sex in movies. Thought this movie was going to check all my mood boxes. Michael bay movie? Grrrrreat!!! Ryan Reynolds?? I’m on board!!! People faking their deaths to band together and fight the worlds atrocities???? Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool coo.....

This movie however, somehow effed up the simple premise of a mindless action movie. To steal a word from my 20 year old son, it’s soooo extra.... Think every over the top action movie and add Motley Crüe levels of cocaine and you would be getting warm. It’s so completely over the top that it honestly feels like Michael Bay is taking a piss. Almost like a big middle finger to everyone who said his movies are mindless adrenaline action affairs with no substance. “You ain’t seen nothing yet” You could be forgiven for thinking Crank looks like an Oscar winning script next to this but here’s the thing. It’s not even really the plot or the script that’s the problem if I’m being honest. The story and premise are OKish, it’s the direction that makes this a dumpster fire.

It’s so convoluted with shaky camera cuts, flashbacks and other nonsensical scenes, that I was left with my head spinning half way through. The whole first act we spend so much time jumping through time that I thought I owned a Delorean. Then, I thought I was finally past the confusion. A pop up on the screen says “the present” followed by “you’re all caught up” NOPE!!! The film immediately jumps into a flashback of the CIA lady with no name. WTF?? You’re a liar Michael. I hate myself for saying this but what’s with the sex scenes? People just start having sex for seemingly no reason. It’s like Netflix called Bay and told him “we need more cowbell” (cowbell=sex in case you aren’t following) so he just threw the scenes in.

Lastly, The dialogue is insane. More specifically the one liners, which I’m not sure you can call them, because there is a billion of them. Schwarzenegger in Commando levels of bad.

So ya, I hated this movie.