Review of 1313: Cougar Cult (2012) by Sylvester K — 31 Jan 2013

Three college hunks accept a job offer as the personal assistants to three voluptuous older ladies, unaware that they have just signed on with a coven of witches who plan to sacrifice them to earn their own immortality! Notorious B-movie director David DeCoteau reunites the original Scream Queens of Horror for the first time in years as Brinke Stevens, Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer return to the small screen in 1313: COUGAR CULT, which is by all rights a mockery of filmmaking.

DeCoteau spends over half the run time filming the boys in various stages of undress as they either shower incessantly or toss and turn in bed (in the middle of the day). The shots would be repetitive at best, but the tiring scenes lose all sense of eroticism as they reach the point of absurdity.

The ladies have lost none of their particular talents, and we use that in the loosest meaning of the phrase possible. One can expect all of the same silliness and gross overacting that made their careers in the 1980's, minus any middle-aged nudity.

We did find momentary satisfaction in the film's awful special effects, however, where the stationary image of a cougar is superimposed over each of the witches' faces in one of the most ridiculous transformations ever caught on film.

While the allusions to the Horror classic CAT PEOPLE is appreciated, DeCoteau falls just short of Jacques Tourneur. And when David DeCoteau's worst isn't good enough, it's time to just film half naked men and forgo any attempts at plotting or character development.

Rated: "S" for sexless softcore porn.