Review of 10,000 BC (2008) by Skyler I — 18 Aug 2011

No characters, razor-thin plot and not a single line of noteworthy dialogue? Sounds like a Roland Emmerich film to me. Sadly though, this movie lacks what made past Emmerich works such as Stargate and Independence Day the classics that they are: The fun, fast paced action.

You see, Roland has stated before that he has no interest in creating smart films; he just wants to make fun, action packed films that audience members can enjoy while not needing to use their brain too much.

Contrary to this, I found myself thinking quite a lot during 10,000 B.C.s 100 minute fun time. I thought about how past Emmerich pictures were fun, and how this one was painfully dull. It's filled with dumb, one-dimensional characters who all look alike, and spend their spare time spewing cliched sentiments of honor and winning the beautiful girl by becoming the greatest hunter in the village (but in a small village that seems to have only three females - two of which end up dead by storys' end - a young man doesn't have much choice but to pick up a spear and hustle up some mammoth hides).

I thought about how not much seems to make any sense at all. Why do black people and white people occupy the same continent in a time before confederate slavery forced Africans out of their country? What the hell are those giant, carniverous birds? What is the agenda of the people who invade our protagonists village, and why do they inexplicably follow a tall guy who claims to be a god (a character who is clearly stolen from the film 300.

Seriously. Everything from his wardrobe and his screwed up servants and even his death scene is shamelessly ripped from that movie)? There's much more I could rant about, but I'll cut myself short and make the point that this film has a LOT of plot holes.

Another problem was that every single character death is quite predictible. You can actually pick out which characters are going to live and die within the first ten minutes. The plot also wanders aimlessly all too often, often promising cool-sounding events that it refuses to deliver.

It also takes far too long to reach its predictible and unsatisfying conclusion. If it at all can be called a conclusion, for so many subplots and character fates are left unanswered that you'll feel a wave of frustration wash over you as the credits begin to roll too soon ( the only thing in the movie that occurs at a quick pace).

This is probably one of co-writer/director Roland Emmerich's most atrocious films, sitting right up there with 2012 at the top of his crappy movie pile. Between 10,000 B.C. and 2012, I'm thinking that maybe Emmerich should avoid projects that contain numbers in the title.

They don't tend to work out very well.